Brian Dan Christensen

Brian Dan Christensen is a writer and translator.

Homepage: https://briandanchristensen.wordpress.com

A Prairie Home Companion Cruise, 2017

A not-so young comedian of New York
On a cruise of not-so Norwegian ports
Made half the guests smile
The rest he bribed
To laugh and pee in their shorts.

 

(With thanks!)

 

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L.I.C. Bar in Queens, May 22, 8 p.m.

Monday, May 22, 8 p.m.:

I will be returning to the L.I.C. Bar in Long Island City, Queens, to play a set of mainly original songs. I might throw in some Johnny Cash or Greg Brown, or even a Scandinavian folk tune.

Begins at 8 p.m. sharp.

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Fireplace Concert in New York City

Sunday, February 5:

I will be playing a set of original songs at the L.I.C. Bar in Long Island City, Queens.

The show starts at 5 pm with Pete Lanctot & Ginger Dolden.

I will be on at 6 pm, followed by Maya Sharpe at 7 pm.

Come and be warm by the fire and hear some tunes

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Happy Thanksgiving

Dave: No politics over dinner, okay?

John: What do you mean, no politics?

Dave: I mean, don’t mention the election…

John: Well, you just did…

Dave: Let’s have a nice time together, okay?

John: A nice time? With that moron you voted for?

Dave: You don’t know who I voted for?

John: I do too.

Dave: Let’s just have some turkey…

John: And talk about the weather?

Dave: Yes, let’s talk about the weather.

John: And global temperatures and rising sea levels?

Dave: Like I said, no politics?

John: So now we can’t talk about the weather?

Dave: We can, but not like that.

John: You decide how we talk about the weather?

Dave: I really wish I could explain this to you…

John: Why can’t you?

Dave: You wouldn’t get it.

John: Why not?

Dave: People like you never do.

John: What do you mean people like me?

Dave: Let’s just have some turkey…

John: You mean Republicans?

Dave: Ha, so now you’re a Republican?

John: Oh, I thought you said, no politics?

Dave: I can’t believe you voted Republican.

John: Look, it’s snowing. So much for global warming…

Dave: I really thought you were smarter than that, John.

John: Who says I voted Republican?

Dave: You did.

John: Maybe I changed my mind.

Dave: You can’t change your mind after the election.

John: The president-elect can…

Dave: Let’s just forget about it.

John: Say, was that a Hillary sign on your lawn?

Dave: You know that was a joke.

John: You can say that again…

Dave: My neighbors are all pro-Trump.

John: So you put out a Hillary sign but didn’t vote for her?

Dave: I’m not going to talk politics…

John: You’re such a bad loser.

Dave: How is that?

John: People like you always are.

Dave: What do you mean people like me?

John: Let’s just have some turkey.

Dave: Oh, now you want turkey?

John: Sure, I’ll even carve. Where’s the knife?

Dave: Just forget about it…

John: No, I’ll carve.

Dave: Better let me do it.

John: Wait a second, Dave…

Dave: What?

John: Did you hide the knife?

Dave: It’s just a precaution.

John: Wow, this is not the America I grew up in.

Dave: Yes, it is, because you must have been born yesterday.

John: That’s rude.

Dave: So is ruining America.

John: Well, let’s be Independent then and eat with our hands…

Dave: It was just to be on the safe side, John.

John: Give me that darn knife.

Dave: You can’t be trusted with a knife.

John: Why not?

Dave: For one, you can’t tick the right box with a pen.

John: I’ll carve the damn turkey with my pocketknife…

Dave: You brought a knife to my house?

John: Second Amendment, Dave.

Dave: You can’t even spell amendment…

John: Forget about it, I’m not having any turkey.

Dave: Why not?

John: Just not having any…

Dave: Why not?

John: Well, it’s cold by now.

Dave: The thermometer says 165F…

John: You can’t trust that.

Dave: Guess you really are a Republican…

John: You know very well that I trust science, Dave.

Dave: Well, have a bite then…

John: But the thermometer, it’s made in China, you can’t trust it.

Dave: So is your iPad.

John: No, it’s not…

Dave: Where then? The coalmines of Appalachia.

John: Just not made in China. Period.

Dave: Come on, let’s have some turkey…

John: Just look at this meat…

Dave: What‘s wrong with it?

John: You had one chance to get it right…

Dave: Better get used to that.

John: Used to what?

Dave: Let’s just say it’s a Trump turkey.

John: What is that supposed to mean?

Dave: You’re stuck with it and you won’t like the taste.

John: I thought you said, no politics.

Dave: I changed my mind.

 

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Share My Sorrow

For Leonard Cohen

I’d like to share my sorrow
I’d hand you this broken cup
I’d like to share my sorrow
But you’ve already had enough

You spoke so low in darkness
To brighten darker skies
You spoke candles burning
In a thousand angels’ eyes

I’m leaving for the hotel
I’ll pay a few more dues
I’m leaving for the hotel
To check in with the muse

You skipped the preliminaries
Your song is in the mail
A voice like a mountain
A pen hesitant and frail

I’d like to share your sorrow
And fill this broken cup
I’d like to share your sorrow
But you’ve already shared enough

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Recipe For Dried Apples

After summer in New York
Fall feels like spring
And then a birthday in October
Reminds you it’s precious to get older

So you leave town
Shy of the morning commuters
To pick apples upstate in the drizzle,
Smelling the dirt, the wet grass

As your hand reaches for that apple
That the ones before you couldn’t quite reach
And then you drive home like after church
Under foliage the color of all sermons

You find an old Danish recipe for dried apples
You scald Mason jars for aquavit
Adding vanilla, star anise, cinnamon sticks
Then you seal the lids. Winter.

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Nobel Limerick

Honorable Nobel Committee
When you award me for being witty
Don’t share the prize
With three other guys
Or my mother will say, What a pity!

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